saturday, april 21, 2001
brain-dead and gone

it is truly one of those days. being tired started sometime tuesday or wednesady (and i am beginning to think, early or not, i am indeed getting ready for the woman thing ~ it always wipes me out), the apathy started late yesterday, and today it is evolving into a full blown bitchy mood combined with being tired and apathetic. and there's just too much to do for me to fighting these moods right now. or fighting anything else for that matter.

the day actually started out pretty normal, well, almost. froggy had got herself into to trouble (again) and was crying. nice way to wake up, eh? despite this i was in an ok, semi decent mood. but not too long after that the tiredness set in again. considering there are no other signs of health problems, i changed my mind on the reasons for it. i worked my way through it for the morning, and managed to get my notes from this past week printed, then the apathy hit. took hours to get through one chapter in my writing fiction textbook. that's insanely long, even for me, especially considering how short the chapter was.

add to al this, the kids have just been crazy for a couple of weeks now. it's like someone handed each of them several bowls of sugar and said 'eat up!' chores? what's that? keep it down so mama can study? why? froggy has been particularly bad these last few weeks, getting into everything belonging to everyone else but her. i am almost at my wit's end with them. even denial of privileges hasn't worked. not sure what's up with them but i wish it would stop. particularly in my current mood.

and of course, as this behavior has gone one through the day with maybe a 5 minutes let up when they are actually yelled at, my mood has gone from tired apathy to tired apathetic bitch. not a good combination at all. being tired makes me impatient anyway. being apathetic makes it hard for me to focus on what i need to focus on. if i am sliding into bitchy mood, these two things only makes me slide into it faster. so i am now to the point where i am just not putting up with anything well. even teasing has me growling.

it really would help if just ONE thing would work out without throwing fits. so far i haven't been able to get the password protection working on the new twc domain (worked on that well over an hour, quit when i was almost in tears because it is ludicrous to be in tears over it) and my ring pop-ups for the new domain are being incredibly annoying. not sure where the code freaked, but somehow it did so for over half the links there was a java error. i couldn't find it by site so i had to copy and paste a working code over the faulty one. now i have to reenter the urls and the window parameters for all of them.

no, these are not major catastrophes. i know that. but all these things are doing is pointing out just how bitchy i am at the moment, and how truly stupid i can be. it's like my brain is taking a vacation and leaving me at the mercy of my hormones. at this point a total checkout would be better than this brain-dead state. take my brain out of the picture and everything else just seems to go with it: my ability to be flexible and easy going, basic coding skills, memory, control, discipline...well, you get the picture.

and it really doesn't help my ability to be a mom and a wife. but, of course, this is the day when they all push buttons. i hate button-pushing on days when i am in a good mood, i am certainly not going to be any more endeared to it when my mood is increasingly sour. but no one seems to be getting that clue. and i have to finish my homework in this state? this is going to be fun...

not.

and, of course, my meds are kicking in and making me sick. maybe i should just give up on today? too bad there's just too much homework for me to work on.

anyone want to come and do my poetry analyses paper for me?