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sunday 12.24.2000
christmas ready

the gifts are wrapped. all the food is bought. the web pages are all made and ready to be revealed. today and tonight the kids are spending time with dad and his family. tomorrow we get them along with saxy's parents. dad managed to spoil them a bit this year, which he doesn't usually get to do. we didn't get them much, but then last year was our year to spoil them, so it all balances out in the end. later the hens will be taken out to defrost and tomorrow the house will be a bustling with gifts being opened, cooking, and all the other christmas trimmings. but the best thing this christmas is that we will all be together. We almost weren't this year.

earlier this year my marriage was almost over. i'd had enough of the screaming and yelling, the fighting, and trying to protect my kids. i know no marriage is perfect, that no marriage is without struggle, but this was just too much and i was done. christmas would have been that much sadder for the kids - no gifts, no grandma and grandpa from saxy's family. saxy would have spent his holidays alone, and, in all honesty, may not have survived it so great was his pain at his loss.

and while he was out of the house, froggy disappeared for half a day. a very scary half a day.

i just can't imagine the holidays without them.

despite our problems, saxy and i are very much a part of each other. while being with him then was painful, being without him was almost doubly so. it's like he is a part of me. how do you send the holidays with a part of yourself missing? and my baby girl. if she had actually been taken, the grief would be so overwhelming i do not think we could have had a christmas this year.

so the gifts may be wrapped. we may have the trimmings for a traditional dinner for our family. but best of all, my kids are safe and sound. taz has an ear infection, but he is HERE, and every day shows how much better things are for him with the support he gets. kitten has a head cold and some problems with grades, but she is with her family. she hasn't run away, she isn't out on the street. she is with us. jewel, my lovely little worry wart, will find food on the table and loving arms to hold her. froggy is here with us as well with all her joyful exuberance. and saxy is here. he's not alone, and i don't need to figure out how to celebrate with a piece of myself missing. better yet, we are doing better as a couple and a family.

we're together as a family.

and that is the best christmas present of all.

merry christmas every one. may all your holidays, no matter which ones you celebrate this season, bring you joy and love.

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