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thursday 10.19.2000
bang my head


some days i think i am a total idiot. really. especially when i continue to put up with things most normal people won't put up with more than once or twice. it almost literally takes forever and a day to get me soooooo irritated that i shut down and push a person away. i put up with some of the stupidest things some times. now i have had friends tell me that i am just too nice (ok, i can agree there at this point), and i have had others tell me that i just have a soft, warm heart. i think i am just a glutton for punishment. even when i don't trust someone, even when they do more hurt than anything else, even when all i can do is be confused whenever they are around, i care for people. i still give them the benefit of the doubt. do not ask me how, but i do. i can't seem to get it into my thick skull that this person is going to hurt me again and again, take advantage of my affection again and again, and generally make my life miserable. i try to close these people out (i really do), only to have my emotions betray me and i am once again caught in the never ending cycle.

i will sit here and complain about it, kick myself over it, and then tomorrow go on and behave the same way. this is just who i am. kind? i don't know. maybe a carpet would be more appropriate.

i believe in people too much. not people in specific, but people in general. and i am utterly insane. it gets proven to me over and over again. and again...and again. but i persist in letting my emotional attachments override good sense. i do this to myself. and i have no idea why. stupid? weak? "too nice"? your guess is as good as mine.

and if i were NOT like this, the situation i find myself in quite repeatedly right now...well, i wouldn't be in it. he would be out of my life by now. too much manipulation, lies and bs. but i CARE and can't seem to shut it out. so, even though certain things disappear only when he is here, even though all he brings is confusion, even though i can't trust him one iota and everything he does and says makes me suspicious, i let him hang out and i spend time with him. don't get me wrong. there are times when we have astoundingly deep conversations. there are moments when i really do enjoy his company. there are times when i desperately wish things were different between us. but most of the time i feel like i am either dealing with a child or a manipulative bastard. and despite all this, i STILL care. just like i have for other friends before this. friends who have lied, manipulated and otherwise taken advantage of my forgiving nature.

but, and there is a big but, i also know there is an end. somehow, at some point, i just hit that point where i am so totally fed up that i DO walk away. oh, i can still be friendly. i can still hang around with them once in awhile, especially if they are gamers. but there is a huge difference. i don't let them in. conversations are shallow and stilted. it's not so much we are ex-friends. or that we are friends. or even that we are any kind of acquaintances. we just happen to be in the same place at the same time. and somewhere inside i still care about what is going on with this person, but not really enough to put any effort into the relationship. all my effort is drained away. some of them call me on occasion, but i rarely, if ever, call them. i hardly think about them unless they call or we run into each other. i don't hate them...i am just...tired of them i guess. i am in this place with at least 2 or 3 people i can think of.

it's not that i hate them. i don't there are only 3 people who inspire anything in me so drastic that i could call it hate. my ex-mother-in-law who was incredibly abusive (i have written about it if you are interested) and another girl who i think i am feeling more sorry for now days. all her high minded snobbery and attitude is coming back to bite her in the butt. not that she has learned anything. from what i gather, she is still living with her mother in the home her parents were trying to sell so mom could go move to Florida to be with dad. this is somehow keeping mom from being with dad. i don't completely get it except the woman is spoiled rotten and should take the initiative to move out of the damn house and let her mother go and be with dad without having to worry about their nearly 30 year old daughter who can't seem to take care of herself. ok, so maybe i don't feel sorry for her. but, i think you can get an idea of the behavior that put her on my bitch list just from the way she treats her family.

but it takes awhile for me to get to the point of almost not caring anymore, and certainly not caring enough to want to deal with the person. i have this incredibly loooooong slooooow fuse. BUT, i do have a fuse...one that is rapidly growing short.

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