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wednesday 10.11.2000
just call me

an idiot. i have been waiting all day to hear from emce. did he get the car? is he coming over? the kids have asked about him. and i was about to spend my evening off-line, even though i have stuff i want to do, waiting for him to call and let me know if he was going to be here. yes, i have callwave (can't afford dsl), but the sucker doesn't always work. so i was going to keep my line clear waiting for him to call.

totally ridiculous. totally dependent. totally stupid. and totally unnecessary.

yes, emce and i are working on being a couple. but my life doesn't need to hang on his. it would be nice to know if he's going to make it over, but it is not necessary for my life. and to behave like it is, like what he decides to do makes my evening worth anything, is to devalue both of us. as well as to totally smother him. i've been smothered. i hated it. and he's more likely to run from that situation than i am! besides, my life doesn't hang on his and i don't need to behave like it does.

i know for a lot of people i jumped into this new relationship rather quickly. too quickly. perhaps i did. but for me my relationship with saxy was gone a long time ago. he had become this domineering, controlling, hurtful person. it was a lot easier for me to separate from him than him from me just because the relationship was such a mess as far as i was concerned. talking to him didn't help, he shined it all on, as far as i could tell. my separation from him didn't occur the day i threw him out, it occurred every time he was hurtful, every time i had to step between him and my kids to protect them, every time he could barely be civil, much less show he cared about us. my separation from him has been happening for two years now, as this marriage fell apart and nothing i did could fix it.

so for me, a relationship with emce is not as quick as it seems. and i admit, there has always been something between us. but when i committed to saxy, i truly committed to him. i have tried "open marriage". it doesn't work. i can't imagine cheating behind his back would be any better than cheating with permission. so despite what was between us, i buried it and committed myself to saxy. plain and simple. but when saxy broke all those promises, when that marriage was beyond salvaging, it was done. i waited until he was out of the house, i was polite enough to do that. but i wasn't going to hold up my life until the divorce was final either.

so, when emce and i spent time together again as friends, and that something, whatever it is, proved to still be between us, i took him up on it. yes, i still have questions about our relationship. but i am letting those slide in favor of enjoying it. here is someone who plays with the kids, values what i say and treats us all with respect. we may end up not being the perfect match and separating in the future. but it is good in the here and now and that is all i need to worry about.

and regardless...we could be planning to get married, and it would STILL be ridiculous to put my evening on hold waiting for his phone call. even if all i have planned is another night at the computer writing in a journal.

i may wish to spend my time with him...but i certainly don't need to act desperate about it.

maybe going back to school is a good thing. the least it will do is keep me more occupied.

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