an idiot. i have been waiting all day to hear from emce. did he get the car? is
he coming over? the kids have asked about him. and i was about to spend my evening
off-line, even though i have stuff i want to do, waiting for him to call and let
me know if he was going to be here. yes, i have callwave (can't afford dsl), but
the sucker doesn't always work. so i was going to keep my line clear waiting for
him to call.
totally ridiculous. totally dependent. totally stupid. and totally unnecessary.
yes, emce and i are working on being a couple. but my life doesn't need to hang
on his. it would be nice to know if he's going to make it over, but it is not
necessary for my life. and to behave like it is, like what he decides to do makes
my evening worth anything, is to devalue both of us. as well as to totally smother
him. i've been smothered. i hated it. and he's more likely to run from that situation
than i am! besides, my life doesn't hang on his and i don't need to behave like
i know for a lot of people i jumped into this new relationship rather quickly.
too quickly. perhaps i did. but for me my relationship with saxy was gone a long
time ago. he had become this domineering, controlling, hurtful person. it was
a lot easier for me to separate from him than him from me just because the relationship
was such a mess as far as i was concerned. talking to him didn't help, he shined
it all on, as far as i could tell. my separation from him didn't occur the day
i threw him out, it occurred every time he was hurtful, every time i had to step
between him and my kids to protect them, every time he could barely be civil,
much less show he cared about us. my separation from him has been happening for
two years now, as this marriage fell apart and nothing i did could fix it.
so for me, a relationship with emce is not as quick as it seems. and i admit,
there has always been something between us. but when i committed to saxy, i truly
committed to him. i have tried "open marriage". it doesn't work. i can't
imagine cheating behind his back would be any better than cheating with permission.
so despite what was between us, i buried it and committed myself to saxy. plain
and simple. but when saxy broke all those promises, when that marriage was beyond
salvaging, it was done. i waited until he was out of the house, i was polite enough
to do that. but i wasn't going to hold up my life until the divorce was final
so, when emce and i spent time together again as friends, and that something,
whatever it is, proved to still be between us, i took him up on it. yes, i still
have questions about our relationship. but i am letting those slide in favor of
enjoying it. here is someone who plays with the kids, values what i say and treats
us all with respect. we may end up not being the perfect match and separating
in the future. but it is good in the here and now and that is all i need to worry
and regardless...we could be planning to get married, and it would STILL be ridiculous
to put my evening on hold waiting for his phone call. even if all i have planned
is another night at the computer writing in a journal.
i may wish to spend my time with him...but i certainly don't need to act desperate
maybe going back to school is a good thing. the least it will do is keep me more