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wednesday 07.12.2000
screaming inside

i have always been strong for my family. i've had to can't expect children to carry the burdens of making things work for a family when there's nothing left to work with. but lately i feel myself fraying around the edges. and the anger and frustration and depression are only building. there seems no relief in site for anything right now. it is very hard to be strong when nothing goes your way...

we're a financial mess. my husband's job doesn't support us. and he's having trouble finding anything else. we have no car, which limits us both greatly. he works hard and just can't seem to help us get ahead. and i seem helpless to do anything to change it. i don't have the skills or education to earn enough to get a job that will pay for childcare (especially GOOD childcare that will be able to handle my son) and bus transportation and clothes for work and still actually give us extra money to pay anything. in fact, i'd probably end up paying out more just for the privilege of working. as a web designer i am a failure. i can't get a paid job to save my life as a freelancer, and i need a car to get a company job.

i'd like to return to school, i think, but my educational loans are so far behind that there's no way i could get the help i would need just to register and pay for books. everything is delinquent. we're robbing peter to pay paul. every paycheck i am trying to decide what to pay and what not to pay. it doesn't help that he wants to keep the more expensive luxuries, like a $54/month cable bill. we can't go to movies or out to eat any more. i can barely buy groceries.

here i am, in my mid-30s and i have absolutely nothing to show for it except a pit so deep we can't see the edge. what kind of example is this for my children. i keep trying to hang on to hope, but i have almost none left. every door is shut in our face. i'd like to see saxy go to school, but the system won't let him. we're forever held in poverty in the neighborhood from hell.

god, i pray my kids can do better. i sure as hell can't seem to.

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